HELLO SOPHOMORE YEAR!

So proud of myself already: I got unpacked, and my room is as neat as it's going to be all year. Y'all who come, enjoy it while you can! Ignore that you can see only part of my desk--it's covered with study materials only, I assure you. Yes, the lava lamp and external speakers next to the CD player all count as study materials. I moved the fountain elsewhere.

You know, sometimes it just feels like cheating when you find the answer in the book for homework problems. Will someone assure me otherwise?

There are things we do as humans, ways that we live, that are not explicitly wrong but that are not in God's ultimate plan--the plan for when He rules directly. These things do not put us beyond His grace and blessings for now but instead limit the blessings He can give. So how should we live?

I miss writing. I miss scifi. I miss Ike.

But?

God is cool. Life is good. Work is challenging.

And...

I'm growing: stronger, smarter, more physically fit, more emotionally enduring, more spiritually faithful, and...

more tired.

I probably know enough about horses to be hired as someone's personal farmhand/stablemaster. As long as they didn't need much. Do you think I could put myself through college that way? Or should I just stick with writing. Salary? Scholarships? Hmm...

Go to shower before Dr. Who. Will invade director's house. Woot.

Beliefs of a United Methodist Christian by Emerson Colaw, 1972

SUMMER!

This has to be a quick rundown of what's been going on.

As most of you know, I'm working at a totally awesome United Methodist camp that happens to be located right beside the Flight 93 crash site. (Thank God they didn't crash into the camp!) I'm on horse staff, working from 7:30 AM to... whenever the barn is done, so usually somewhere between 7 PM and 9 PM. We care for twenty-one horses and eight ponies, all of whom have their own unique quirks, plus around forty campers, most of whom have easier quirks than the horses. (Ponies are so much more stubborn. If you have a choice, always work with horses, even if you're small!)

Just FYI, I've been involuntarily dismounted four times from horses and four or five times from ponies, but the worst I've gotten are some scratches and a sore butt. Hakuna matata. I've learned a lot about my reflexes this year; apparently, I tuck and roll when I'm involuntarily dismounted. Cool beans. I also learned (thank you, Chrissy) that I may or may not dig my nails into anything attacking me. I highly recommend not trying, because while I stabbed the ground last time, next time, the prankster might not be so fortunate.

Well, I'm ten weeks into camp and I haven't gone swimming. The lifeguard just called me and invited me, so I'm off. Hope y'all are having a great summer.

It's official. Vista boots faster than Win 2000. My cell phone boots faster than Vista. But ME boots faster than my cell phone. Yay ME.

Chryson, Jadzia, these I admire to some degree, yet I feel as though I'm more like Ezri. Why? Chryson respects no one; Jadzia is nearly faithless. Both of these fundamentally contradict my beliefs.

But Ezri is mild, timid. Her lack of confidence prevents her from accomplishing what she's capable of. The unweighted words of others weigh heavily on her, pushing her to the breaking point with the slightest tap. Isn't that how I am? The slightest thing goes wrong, and I want to cry. I have no idea what I'm capable of, because I don't really think I can do it. I don't believe I'm any different from anyone else, and when I do, I'm no longer the same.

That must be what I admire in Jadzia. She's bold, even into arrogance, but she can be told to back down. She can listen to others' advice. She lives loudly, in perfect control of herself and enlightened to the ways in which others give her power. I could be like that. I have been like that. I don't know if I should be like that. I'm not bold.

But I am stubborn.

From where I am now, accounting for where I was, I'm as likely to become Ezri as I am Chryson. I could be the shy one, sitting back and listening, hanging around, sitting in. Withdrawn, insecure, empowered but lacking the will to use it. Or I could be the one sitting in the middle, trading stories with all the misfits and the in's, gliding from circle to circle and shining in them all. Bold, arrogant, confident, inspiring, admired.

The hardest part of knowing I can be either is believing that neither is better.

At last, behold the wonders of my skills. After studying for physics, I took my old note sheet and expanded it to five note sheets, only to compress it to two note sheets, all with the same information. Behold: I am organized! And I will have multiple copies to take with me in case anything happens. Now if only I could procure a calculator I'm allowed to use...

To bed with me, then, and to practice the exam come morning... later morning. Behold: it has yet to reach midnight, yet still I get me toward bed! What new wonders might I see, if already both college students in this room reach bed ere midnight?

Once again, I find myself feeling like the image of a college student. Dressed in my church clothes, wearing my cheap, green flip-flops to avoid rubbing the new blisters on my toes, I struggle to open the door to my quad. Tucked under one arm are three physics test, a clipboard, three different physics textbooks, and a tin of homemade cookies. In my other hand, a cold can of Dr. Pepper. Yup, I'm a college student.

Now to check my grades from the past two finals...

In chem: A. Otherwise, I couldn't have missed the final.
In math: A. 92% on the final, enough to keep the A I barely managed. Whew.
Statics isn't posted.

I wrote my first legend today. I was thinking about it all last night. This is how the Gertewet began. I'm quite proud of myself. What do you think?

Chris:

"Remember: you can be your own differential equation fairy. And you can see whether you're a good differential equation fairy or a bad one."


"I won't guarantee it, but I'm pretty sure that by the time I'm finished, second order linear homogeneous differential equations with constant coefficients will be your favorite."

(Concerning biology) "This frog had a heart... not anymore."

"What do you get when you cross an elephant with a mountain climber? Nothing. You can't cross a vector with a scalar."

Chris: "I could use 75, but that's like killing a butterfly with a bazooka."
DSD: "Have you never done that? It's fun."

CC:

"The age of innocence is over and physics is now a matter of life and death."

"The image is as big as the object, even if the mirror is small."

"I got sidetracked by stats in our last class."

"Statics."

"No, statistics."

"I. C. the difference."

Thanks, DSD.

Physics labs. Ich habe nichts damit zu sagen. Nichts.

Ich habe Nummern. Sind sie nicht schoen? Wollen Sie meine Nummern?

Analysis, what? What's that? What's to analyze?

To Be politics:

The situation:
Eighteen women are kidnapped from the western hemisphere by an alien race:
Dr. Lee, American MD.
Kalli, American, strip dancer
Pastor Ariel, American, clergy (Presby.?)
J. Nussbaum, American, database manager
Cpt. Crawford, American, pilot
Ophelia, Mexican, factory seamstress
S. Lewis, Canadian, massage therapist
D. Tyler, American, swim coach
Maggie, American, daughter of the Speaker of the House
J. Lewis, Canadian, daughter
Lauren Krege, American, student
Martinez, Chilean, teacher
Susan, American, deli worker
S. Dippel, German, civil engineer
P. Clark, American, USAF Journalist
Carol, US, college kid (BME, premed)
Kelly, US, college kid (CS)
Nelinda, Chinese-American, college kid (poli sci)

The last, of course, is Sarah Anderson, a student about to enter high school who blends with an alien before returning to Earth (to drop off some of the others before heading back to the alien base). All eighteen are returned to a USAF base by three officers at the base and by Vinnet, Sarah's symbiote.

What are the political ramifications? What happens? Any thoughts?

tbc. Need to work.

New picture posted on the "Und So Weiter" section of my filer site.

"Crystal Dolphin Fae" came about from me wanting to draw more to convey how I think. No, I don't think in pictures, but my thought patterns mirror my drawing style. That's why no one wants to read my code. It's not organized, but it flows. Then it comes to a sharp point. It only makes complete sense to the artist.
That and I was too sick of chemistry to devote my whole attention to the lecturer speaking about the crystal structure and formation of semiconductors.

I will not support the Day of Silence.

I recognize that it has a worthy goal: the cessation of harassment in educational environments. However, its scope is too specific for me to support.

I will not support, enable, or condone the continuation of any gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transexual activities. These behaviors are flat-out wrong according to my beliefs. While I recognize at the very least the futility of arguing that they are unnatural or learned behaviors, I will stand by my position that they are unnecessary, especially in middle and high schools. According to what I believe, no one needs to be engaging in sexual activities in these age groups, and abstinence from any sexual behavior will not harm anyone. The people who tend toward gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transexual activities could choose to abstain, and I believe that is the best course of action for them.

Regardless, I understand the Day of Silence is not about supporting those behaviors. It's about protecting the people. I believe no one can do anything to make them sub-human or to separate them from God's grace. To adhere to that grace, I am mandated to love not only those like me but also those from other cultures, with other believes, and with other habits. In the interest of loving the members of the "LGBT community," I must care for their well-being, physical, mental, and emotional, and therefore strive to end their harassment. The goal of the Day of Silence is this end. However, I believe its emphasis on the LGBT case is misplaced. By all means, include them, but include other groups as more than a side note. Does no one see the racism still active in our country? Does no one hear the stereotyping of the populations of various countries? Does no one note the slander of one political party about another? Will no one fight against the unhealthy images in our culture that lead overweight kids to be made fun of or that bring skinny girls to become anorexic or bolemic?

The pressures degrading the people calling themselves LGBT are wrong, but they are no more or less wrong than those acting against many other people. In all honesty, who hasn't been made fun of? Who hasn't been harassed? It's wrong, but it's not limited to this one population. I applaud the general goal of the Day of Silence, but I won't support it until its emphasis broadens.

As a side note, I don't see what the spread of awareness can accomplish. If you seek an answer from school administrators, you won't accomplish what you seek. Administrators and teachers should have their jobs at stake for condoning any harassment, but they cannot possibly control the acts of other students. There are always empty hallways and unsupervised corners with no present authority. There are always bus rides and bus stops. There is always the neighborhood and the walk home. These are where harassment really occurs: where no one else can see it or stop it. Trust me. I know. You can raise awareness among the student body, among the administration, and among the parents. You can make every person in the world aware of the issue. It won't change anything until the bullies' hearts change. And the parents' hearts change. It won't change anything until you can look around at every person in sight and know that they won't hurt you. It won't change anything until attitudes as a whole change, and that's a tall order. Go, by all means. Change our culture. Teach us to be tolerant of one another. Teach us to love. While you're at it, teach us moderation. Still think it's possible? People are too varied for one approach to work, but universally, all you need to do is change hearts. I don't think the Day of Silence will do anything for that but create resentment, ultimately working against your goal.

A student's prayer before tests:

Any students, writers, or God-seekers reading this: please feel free to submit revisions/additions to this for the rest of us to reference in the future. What is our prayer as we study? For that matter, what is God's role in academics? All responses welcome.

Heavenly Father,
thank you for this work.
Thank you for everything I need to finish it.
This is good.

Please keep my heart focused on you;
keep my mind focused on my studies
so that I may praise you for all You've helped me do;
let the fruits of my studies glorify You.

Let all that is in me praise you
for all the good You give me,
work and studies included.
Please keep me focused.

Sometimes, I feel utterly useless, as though all I am amounts to nothing and as though I could never accomplish anything worthwhile.

Today, as I walked under the cloud-free blue sky, feeling the cold wind trying to sneak into the collar of my hoodie and various layers, I realized that that can't be true.

I am a student at Case Western Reserve University, not some random catch-all college that produces ho-hum alumni, but an educational institute that at times competes with MIT, the third-ranked engineering college in the world (could be wrong on the scope) and often with Carnegie Mellon, another highly-respected university. I wouldn't have been accepted into this incredibly geeky community if I hadn't any talent for it, and I wouldn't hold A's in my classes if that talent had lost its potency.

I associate as an equal with a group of very intelligent, very talented (and some very hard-working, persistent) achievers, and though I am not the best, I don't need to be.
And that's just for engineering.

I am a writer who has attended an international workshop that accepted eighteen young writers that year--with one of my worst stories. I was close to attending a similarly-sized writing group at a Governor's School of Pennsylvania, likely thwarted only by my chosen genre and open will to write any story that appeals to me, whether with my own characters or someone else's. My writing may not be perfect or comparable to Timothy Zahn's or Jim Butcher's, and definitely not to Tolkien's or Rowling's, but it is better--in style, plot, and characterization, to many published books. I have a very real chance of being published so soon as I finish something original in the genre I love--science fiction novels--rather than the one with better publishing statistics and at which I'm worse--science fiction short stories. (Alas, the harm in adoring character-oriented fiction and developing as I write: It takes me 5,000 words to show the progression of a character a short story writer would describe in a sentence. I could do it, I suppose, but only when accompanied by the groaning and tortured screaming of my inner muse.)

These things aren't what life is about, I know, so they should not matter so strongly to me. At least I don't need to be best. I just want to be good enough to have a future in them. To some small extend, they're like the assurance that God will shape me into the person he made me to be. It's not a measure of where I am now, but it is the confidence of what I will become that pushes me to do the work required to get there.

Powerful faith: faith the size of a mustard seed
is not only having faith in God
and living your life devoted to Him,
trusting Him for everything.

Powerful faith is having faith
that your will is aligned with God's,
that He has transformed your heart,
and that you love like God loves.

Powerful faith is the certainty
that you are so close to God,
whatever you ask will be given to you
and you ask carefully but generously,
according to the Holy Spirit's prompting.

Powerful faith moves mountains,
withers fig trees,
heals physical wounds and spiritual,
stops thunderstorms,
and inspires witnesses.

It is not for the weak of heart.

On a lighter note...

I had intended to post stuff every other week this semester. You can see how well that's going. I just don't keep in touch with people enough. I don't make time to. I hardly get my homework done on time, and I don't spend much time on the internet at all. The only reason I even use my computer most days is for the routine: check e-mail, check weather, check e-suds, write papers, keep notes for ENGR 145 and Black Book, listen to music, and sometimes to read Erica's stories. Oh, right, and www.freerice.com , too: my homepage. I'm up to 42, but I only play when I open a new browser. My days of living on the internet came to a close a long time ago. There's too much to do here to not be here in mind and spirit as well as body. It's part of living in the moment.

I don't suppose I've mentioned Black Book much. It's my new project, though it will likely last a decade. The first draft lasted five years, and that was for only five books. This one should be eight or nine. Who recalls the Reeses series about which I've written so much? Now take all the copyrighted material out and replace it with more scientifically feasible yet still analogous counterparts. Welcome to the world of Project Black Book. How to explain better?

In 1969, the United States Air Force began phasing out Project Blue Book, an official investigation of unidentified flying objects that sought a scientific and fully comprehensible explanation for every sighting, including the famous weather balloon explanation for the Roswell, New Mexico, crash and no explanation for the low-profile Kecksberg, Pennsylvania, hubbub. These are the documents eventually released under the Freedom of Information Act and cited in various UFO documentaries. Some of the sightings never received suitable explanation, however, and the documentation of others, procured under that Freedom of Information Act, are heavily edited with thick, black marker, to prevent the release of information pertaining to current projects, namely, Project Black Book, which replaced Blue Book in 1972 with a new mission: to catch the actual flying saucers and gain scientific and strategic information from these sources. As years passed and the project had no opportunity to prove its worth, the United States Air Force shifted its attention from the excitement of yesteryear to Earth-bound politics. Its attention and funds diverted from Project Black Book, leaving the small shell of a mostly empty base in the tiny town of Cohagen, Montana, two and a half hours north of Miles City.

Over the years, the Air Force found it convenient to have such a dead-end project to relegate officers too insubordinate for active duty and too intelligent to let go. By 1995, Project Black Book consisted of four officers and a token number of MPs and Airmen. Brigadier General Donn Marshall, Major Joliene Patrick, Lieutenant Kyle Fairfeld, and Tech Sergeant John Bailey were perfectly capable of fulfilling Black Book's mission and spent many years of boredom not only searching the empty skies for the silver flying saucers but also elaborating on the base's unique aspects. It was during this time that they gave the Project the nickname of "the Bed and Breakfast" or "B&B," even going to the extent of hanging a welcoming sign in front of the office/warehouse in which they worked.

In that year, Project Black Book fulfilled its original mission, revitalizing the entire project. They succeeded in capturing an alien spacecraft, but one of the occupants, a rebel Gertewet symbiote named Kitchell, took the general as its next host and left. Over the next few years, Kitchell and the original Black Book staff, now led by Marshall's neice, built a friendship between the United States and the Gertewet. At Donn Marshall's request, the Gertewet provided enough information to Project Black Book that the project could grow in its research and development mission by procuring more technology from the Gertewet's enemy, the Kemtewet, a similar species who ruled many human-occupied worlds in the galaxy and who had previously visited Earth, looking for new hosts.

Officially, Project Black Book was to reverse engineer any captured alien technology in order to either advance current technology, for the Air Force or possibly for the general public, or provide a defense against possible alien incursion, which concerned the Air Force enough in the 1960's to fund Black Book in the first place. Despite the procurement team's distaste for Kemtewet rule, they were not to engage the aliens but in defense. After all, Congress hadn't declared war, and the Air Force didn't have the interstellar resources (from Black Book) to fight one. For the time being, Black Book could only procure new technology, reverse engineer it, study applications of it, and maintain a casual friendship with the one Gertewet they knew.

That all changed in 1998.

Book 1: To Be (featuring Sarah/Vinnet, Lauren Krege, and a number of curiously familiar characters)
Book 2: Heart of Gold (featuring Sarah/Vinnet, Lauren Krege, Matt and Sally King, Katorin, Jenn Cors, and Chryson, among many other familiar characters)
Book 3: TBA (featuring S/V, Vandrof, David Rice, and many other familiar characters)
Book 4: Under the Radar (featuring Sarah, David Rice, Chryson, and characters that will be familiar by then)
Book 5: Best Left Dead (yes, I'm keeping it. I love it too much to let it go. But it'll be better this time, trust me.)
Book 6: Out of Enemies (featuring Setira, Chryson, Teresh, and Tacita, among others)
Book 7: Rebellion Reborn (featuring Chryson, Setira, Kitchell, Katorin, Tacita, etc.)
Book 8: Chain of Command (featuring Setira, Chryson, the Marshalls, etc.)

That's right. I'm not just rewriting the S/V series. I'm adding. And, as you can see, about the only things I'm keeping from Stargate are the concept of the Goa'uld and Tok'ra (Kemtewet and Gertewet). Okay, and the NID, who are now NFI-Com (National Freedom of Information for the Preservation of Constitutional Rights and of Citizen and National Security Commission). Okay, and the Ha'taks (Muuldepet)... kinda. These are cooler and more pretentious. That's right. As if a gigantic, gold-plated pyramid wasn't pretentious enough. No more System Lords, though; that's too simple. The Kemtewet now have a much more interesting structure: one emperor (like Ra, only not) ruling over six kings (kinda like system lords, I guess), who rule over five lords, who actually rule over planets. But since that's not enough enemies, there are also Kemtewet servants for the kings and emperor, who would rather not have to deal with humans at all. And they have culture! Folk songs, architecture, designers, maybe writers, scientists/reverse engineers. And competition, though I won't get into it until we meet Chryson in Heart of Gold.

OMGoodness! I love Chryson! If you've read anything about him (yes, Chryson is supposed to be male), you can't tell me he isn't completely lovable! I can't wait to write the books with Setira and him. Then again, I guess very few of you are familiar with how Setira turns out. Think Alliah from Dune, only basically good and less self-centered.

What else has me so excited about this series?

The crew from the Scifi Fridays I host hath decreed that the Black Book series (dunno why it's called Black Book since it's mostly about the Gertewet and Black Book falls into the background) is "engineering fiction," not science fiction. People complain so much about science fiction not being scientifically feasible, I'm trying my hardest to keep within that realm. Okay, so I have a few typical scifi magic concepts that I don't want to bother explaining: FTL, short-range transporters, evolution of the galaxy, etc. Typical write offs, explained by the ever-powerful Plot. (Refer to discussions last night throughout SG-1 viewing.) I ask my readers to forgive me a few if I adequately explain evolution and physiology of the 'Tewet, along with how their modifications to humans work. (Might keep the healing and extra strength as magic, too, but I'll explain the glowing eyes and weird voice.) Perhaps if I adequately explain the dimensions and development of the Kemtewet space craft (which I adore--someone build me a Kaxan, please!)? Remember the fun Tollan symbiote-indicating device and the Tok'ra memory device? I'm planning something that's a hybrid of the two, and Case has the perfect material to make it work. Thank you Martin, Blankenship, and Xie for your research. I hope you don't mind me publicizing it in fiction. I already know the origin of Black Book, NFI-Com, and the Kemtewet, as well as their internal politics, for the most part, and the politics and workings of the Gertewet. I know how Black Book and Cohagen develop throughout the series, why, and even the distribution of personnel throughout the departments.

So excited! I wish I could include sketches in my stories. After I go through all the trouble of creating them to write it, and the details don't quite make it into the story. Anyone recall Vinnet's dress in Best Left Dead? I have a color picture of it, and I really wish I could make it and have somewhere to wear it.

Oh, yeah. Mike has been told he should major or minor in poli sci. (I wouldn't put it past him.) Anyway, he pointed out a bunch of things that weren't politically accurate in the Announcement. They're being fixed. The changes work out well in the beginning of "Under the Radar," when Chryson comes back to Earth.

New characters!!! YEEEEE!!! You know how the others who were kidnapped with Sarah disappeared in the original version of To Be? They stick around now. We'll see them in the second half of To Be (which needs a new title), possibly in Heart of Gold, definitely in the Announcement, definitely in Under the Radar, and who knows after that? They all have their own back stories and personalities, some of which conflict enough to generate spin-off short stories, methinks. (Kalli and Pastor Ariel. Sorry I can't spell Kalli's name right on here. There should be a heart over the i.) Oh, and one of the abductees turns out to be so important that she's a catalyst for major plot events throughout the series.

Yeee! I love this series! It's always so dismal when I go back through my fifty-four pages of notes and see how little I have when I think I have so much, but I trust from my readers' reactions that it's all going to turn out pretty well. I'm trusting Mom, Molly (who hit me when she read BLD), Emily (who nearly or actually cried when she read BLD), and Mike (who picks on me for BLD) when they say it's publishable plot and characters. After reading Tobias Buckell's Ragamuffin, I'm inclined to agree. (Sorry, Toby, the story's great and the characters interesting, but your writing style is hard to get through in novels. You're very used to short stories.) Someday, I tell you. Someday, this is going to be published. I don't know when or by whom. Maybe I'll look up the editor I meet at Alpha and give him the first shot at it. Maybe I'll go to conventions and network. Maybe I'll intrigue someone by my supposedly contradictory major. Or maybe it'll turn them away. I have no way of knowing. Either the logic goes "She's majoring in engineering; she can't possibly write." or "She's a writer majoring in aerospace engineering. Practical. Probably really loves space. She's devoted and probably really awesome." I can dream, anyway.

So. Feel free to ask questions. I might answer.

And when it's published, read it. 'Twill be a blast.