I haven't been on here in such a long time! My goodness! All the myriad of posts in the first year and then it just kinda drops off... Not really, but that's kinda how it seems. So you can see how much I've written in the past however long, 'cause that's about all I've posted, but very little's up here on my life, my frustrations. That's what this doesn't get updated much: I don't care to take the time to get out the frustrations and such in writing. I mean, when I get really upset, I'll sit somewhere alone and jot down everything that's bugging while bawling my eyes out then I'll keep the three to five pages under lock and key until I finish the notebook, but I kinda just feel melancholy at the moment, and I don't want to do homework. So I'll ramble here for a bit.

As is evident to those who are around me at all, school is really frustrating this year. I don't really love any of my classes. They just drone on and on. Lately, I've approached the whole school/learning thing with a great deal of apathy, which is fairly unusual for me. Every other year, I've just figured that since I have to do it, I might as well try to be content, but now, it's just like there's an undercurrent of unpleasantness that's always got me in a sour mood. I don't want to talk. I don't want to write. All I'm really content to do is eat, sleep, and complain. To everyone who's been around me and listened for the past month (parents, Carey, Jena... add more later), thank you so very much. I know none of you are every going to read this, but the one person who does will you know that you're all such awesome people, and I really appreciate your patience with me! Maybe soon enough, that undercurrent will be gone!

It's pretty depressing, though, that whole undercurrent thing. Whatever it is. A sense of discontent in my life. School doesn't seem to be living up to its mandate. I always feel like I'm on the go, and I'm always happy for some time to step back and relax. Part of this, I think, has to do with braces, as odd as it sounds. With them on, I can't eat half the healthy stuff I used to, so I've been eating a lot more junk. I bet that's it. Body chemistry out of whack from not eating right. They always said there'd be consequences. The Saturday after I get them off or I don't have to do anything with them anymore, I'm going to do absolutely nothing all day but lie on the couch and eat carrots. Maybe and apple or two for some variety. It's insane how much I miss carrots. Of all things! Back in seventh grade, I used to do that a bunch: reading and eating carrots for an entire day. It was nice. Of course, that was before I got into Stargate, but you know what? They don't show new episodes of Stargate on Saturdays, so what've I got to lose?

So back to that discontent.... I've been thinking for a while that since most of my classes get on my nerves and I don't really like most of my teachers, I should try to get in-school-suspension. I know it's a punishment and all, but think about it. They stick you in a room where no-one's allowed to talk for the entire school day. Your teachers send up your work/class notes, whatnot, and you get nine periods to sit there in silence. You know how much reading I could get done with the time I'd have left over? You know how much writing I could get done in that silence? My gosh, it'd almost have to be heaven!!! And this is for a punishment!!!! The only thing is that with the peace comes the shame of having earned it. (Am I thinking like a Yuuzong Vong yet?) That alone would probably crush my spirits. That and the company. I'm such a teacher's pet!! The thought of getting in trouble that big and I'd cry! Seriously. It's...disturbing. I wonder if I could get in there for something minor like getting six or seven lates to a class (not hard when you're world-weary, sick, and have no motivation to get to your class on time) then skip a detention or two... On the other hand, that's pretty hard. Maybe I can just ask for it. Think they'd give me ISS as a Christmas present? After all, they've got nothing to lose by it.

What? You're looking at me funny. Trust me, if you saw things as I see them and had my teachers, you'd have no trouble contemplating ISS. I mean, most of my classes are so boring! Quick run-down, in case you care.
Visual Basic is taught by the teacher who also teaches the lowest level of math someone at my school can be in. She's used to dealing with kids who aren't so bright. So we go ultra-slow, 'cause apparently, some people in our class need it. About every fourth or fifth, maybe sixth day, I can just sit around and read or goof off the whole period, as I did for half the period today. While I'm not incredibly good at programming, I understand most of it, even if I haven't committed the vocab and good programming guidelines to memory. But I'm quick and I type fast. So I finish.
Chem. Okay, it's not to bad. It's one of those classes that has potential. It's half math, and everyone thinks I'm good at math, so it's not so bad. The only really boring thing is that we go over every math problem. I'm more of a mind of "tell me the answer, and if I get it wrong, give me a couple minutes to figure it out before telling me. . . " But it's an honors class with a math prerequisite, so it's not so bad.

English, however, is another story. Officially, it's an honors class, but it's incredibly boring. We do almost all the work in class, out loud, and in groups. It's almost as if she doesn't trust our abilities to figure stuff out on our own. I find it insulting, degrading, condescending, etc. And everytime I get called on to answer a question and just happen to use a, uh, "complicated" word, she asks me to explain it. Which is, again, insulting. She could be doing it for one of two reasons, I rekon. One, she figures not everyone in the class knows the word. My response: everyone in the class knows it. 'Cept for a few, and they either can figure it out on their own or don't care. Or two, she figures I'm trying to be obsequious and don't know what I'm talking about, which I do. I don't try to use big words until I fully comprehend their meaning. By then, they're completely integrated into my vocabulary, which I won't censor just to please someone, especially an English teacher. Okay, seriously, who my age in an honors English class doesn't know the following words, which we have to "learn" for the test: apprehension, annihilate, paramount, recoil, increment, suspense, onomatopoeia, alliteration, rhyme, ballad, sonnet, image, connotation, symbol, figure of speech, extended metaphor, poetry, similie, and metaphor. Seriously. Insulting. Can I get an Amen? I read. I write. I want to be an author. Give me something challenging or leave me to my own device!!! Please! Before I go insane! ("To the funny farm, with trees and flowers and chirping birds and basket weavers, who sit and smile and twiddle their thumbs and toes, and they're coming to take me away, ha ha!")

*sigh* So to continue...

Speech. Easy. Usually have half the class to sit and do nothing. I've learned nothing except that I can do speeches anywhere but in speech class. Go figure.
Math. So I'm actually doing precalc. Happy, happy, we've mostly been doing stuff we did last year, but we're finally to logs again. Happy, happy. Logs. I usually read during half the class, mostly because of that attitude of apathy (<- Look! It's a word I'd I've to explain in English!). I don't care if I got them right or wrong. Sure, I'll mark them, but I won't look back to see where I messed up. I usually understand what we're doing, or even if I don't, I can do it and just save the effort of understanding for later. (Note: the understanding part alludes to the connection between the actual work and what it means. For example, I can take log(x/2) and change it to log x - log 2 . I know how to do it, but I don't know why it's the same.) Anyway, so I do it, I keep up, and I get a chapter read as well while the teacher's trying to explain something to E. or J.
History isn't all that wonderful either, but it's better than last year. At least now my teacher views history in the same way that I do: who cares what happened back then unless it directly pertains to what's going on now or is just plain interesting. Mostly overviews for whatever happened more than two hundred years ago, and not to much detail on the actual history of a country when compared to how much we learn about the culture and why they're like that. Up my alley except for the just-below-par pacing.
German. I would love it. Wirklich! The only thing is that we spend half the period waiting for the high-school kids to get their skinny little behinds through the threshold of the door. Frau gets distracted easily, too, so we hardly ever learn anything. I hear it gets better next year, though, so that'll be good.

Okay, seeing a theme? For someone like me, who tries to be intellectual (though not everyone knows that now as much as they used to; I've lighted up since starting to write), it's like nails on the chalkboard. The bits and pieces of spare time. It's like pennies. You have a bunch, and it adds up to a lot, but it's in such small increments that you really can't do anything with it. My oft-heard cry is "The school is wasting my life!!!" I hope you agree with me, 'cause I think I've made it plainly obvious. It's frustring. I don't want to put myself on a pedastal here, but I can take stuff a lot faster than many of my classmates can, and it's grinding. It's frustrating. If I don't find something to do, it's going to wear me awfully thin. I feel so apathetic now, but I imagine it can only get worse if I don't try to do something. Gosh, why didn't I ask my parents to send me to a montesari (sp?) school when i had the chance. "No, I'll keep going, I don't need it," I said. And now I'm sitting around, annoyed out of my mind. Just so you know, I did actually go to talk to my guidance councilor (for the second time in my life). She said that there wasn't anything she could do without screwing up my entire schedule. Not that I'd care. I just don't want out of the one class I have friends in.

Alrighty, I suppose I have to get going soon. As I said before, I'm working on neglecting my homework. I think I feel a little bit better, but enough energy is drained out of me at the moment that I really don't know. I should get on tomorrow. Maybe that'd be good.
God be with you.

Wow. More poetry. The "treat" continues. Wait a minute, maybe that should have an "h" in it... Depends on your view of my poetry. (Which you can always communicate to me by leaving a comment, hint hint!) *reviewing first poem* Wow. That really stinks. You can just kinda tell that I wrote that for an assignment in English. We were looking at a picture and had to incorporate two examples of rhyme, onemonepia (which I could spell right if I cared), and alliteration. Unfortunately, assonance wasn't required.

"Jump"
Vroom. Zoom.
I can see from my roost
cars go speeding by.
We are up so high.
If something went wrong
while we wait....
Turn up a song
forego my fate
The bungee is secure.
Chatter.


"Empty House"
He is not here
this man you seek.
He left for the pier
early this week.

A clatter.
A splash.
Kerplundge!
Gurgle.

We wonder why
this gregarious guy
sank without speaking
to kids in his keeping.

Note: That one really isn't much better, but it flows a bit more easily than the first. To my way of thinking, both are pretty morbid. Gee, I wonder how I feel about English class....

The rare post containing poetry. Don't worry; I didn't exactly do it voluntarily--we're doing poetry in English. Most of it's bothering me.

"Brownie"

The gentle, heavenly cloud

creeps up the stairs to my alcove,

tickling my nose, teasing my tongue,

and beckoning for me to travel to the kitchen.

The scent carries me down like an elevator,

dragging me on like a puppy on a walk

some sunny summer Sunday.

I am soon that happy pup,

digging into the soft, lucious layers of

brownies.

"Courage of a Friend"

Writing, always writing.

Hiding, always hiding.

Wishing, always wishing.

Grief from a personal past,

gliding through the heart,

a guilletine.

Writing is an escape,

a fire exit

a life boat,

a string of strength

tying back to the grounds of sanity.

A vacation,

a break,

the eye of quiet

in the midst of the hurricane of life.

Quick, keep it hidden!

"Were someone to know the grief,

I could never belong!"

So you think.

Normalcy must remain!

Keep the status quo!

"I must remain!"

Do you know your strength?

Do you know your smarts?

Do you know your friends?

They admire you,

love you,

wish you the best of life,

everything of what you deserve.

You are strong.

You will make it.

You will survive.

You are smart.

You will make it.

You will survive.

You are corageous.

You will make it.

You will survive.

You have friends.

You will make it.

They will help you survive.

"Tree in SC"

I sit upon the lowest branch

of a thick, old oak.

My back leans against the rough bark.

My skin delights in the pleasantly warm air.

I smell the nearby pines and black berry bushes;

their perfect perfume calls,

reminding me of the approaching Christmas

and past summer.

A gentle breeze sways the top branches of the woods,

gently whispering secret messages

from one part of nature to another.

Yards away, dogs bark, kids play.

It is an autumn afternoon.

"Mein Bett"

I breathe deep,

allowing a cloud of comfort

to lift my spirit.

Fresh sheets are always nice.

I close my eyes,

allowing a blanket of peace

to engulf my being.

I do not care to see.

I snuggle deeper,

allowing an igloo of warmth

to relax my muscles.

This is called contentment.

I try not to listen,

allowing no barking

to disturb my mood.

Dogs can be such a pain.

Do not think;

it will not help.

Anxiety belongs elsewhere.

Falling asleep agai--

There goes the clock.

Time to get up.

The day calls.

Groan.

"Your Brain on English Class"

Sitting in a regimented room,

stifling hot in the cold school,

stiff.

Creativity bleeding away,

seeping out of my mind

like blood from a dying warrior's wounds.

Clawing at the noose

closing tight around my neck.

Criticism

Always.

"You're not working in my way,

by my rules."

Self-centered.

I won't do htings your way.

Not today.

Other days I might,

had I the energy

to invest effort in those things

with practicality that defys logic.

You're here to teach, not rule,

so they have told me;

I'm here to learn, not submit,

so I have deduced.

These things are counterproductive,

born to make your life easy

and mine hard.

I do think.

I do learn.

This is not thinking.

This is not learning.

Total submission.

(like reviews, comments are always welcome!)