I just needed to get on today because I feel horrible and alone and everything. No body listens to what I have to say except for my parents, and it really ticks me off. Only the people who are forced to live with me and make peace with me actually value what I have to say, and that makes me feel like a piece of smashed cow dung.

Everyone at lunch (not everyone, but Lisa and Jena, yes) unload all their problems on me, and I'm tired of it. They never listen to what I have to say or what's bothering me or what I'm excited about, and it really hurts that neither of them can take my feelings into account. I admit that they both need help and need companionship, but does it all have to come from me?

Backtrack for a moment. Since February, my spiritual life has really taken off. I'm now trying to live the most God-centered life I can. Seriously. And it's been awesome living every day for the gift it is. It's just wonderful.

But I guess I started today wrong or something. I didn't look at the world and the day as a gift. So got I got to school and Lisa yelled at me for not taking me headphones off. I never take my headphones off until someone's talking. She wasn't talking, so I wanted to keep listening to Switchfoot, which is kind of my encouragement, since I can't get any from my "friend" (aka aquaintances). I got to lunch four periods later, and she started complaining about how throwing a ball back and forth yesterday messed up her arms. So I did the logical thing: I suggested she go to the nurse to take some ibuprofin. (Jena responds with the obvious fact that half the school isn't allowed to take ibuprofin.) I ask her to look at the bright side of things, as I often do, and she says she's depressed. Now, Lisa isn't really the kind of person who's manic depressive or anything. Some people think ADD is a made up "disorder" and after my experience with my faith life, I'm starting to have the same outlook on depression. (Jena's got an excuse, as far as I'm concerned.) But Lisa thinks everything's wrong with her. "Oh, I have a mild social disorder. Seriously!" Just because she's uncomfortable around people! Maybe she just hasn't done it enough to get used to that. Did she ever consider that?

So I made that suggestion, and Jena broke in with "shut up." I recognized that I was being rather donkey-ish, so I tried.

But it bothers me. This is another instance of no one listening to me. I've been trying to talk about these things that really matter to me to Lisa, but she just writes it off as another shallow outlit of myself. She thinks I'm only about scifi and rebellion and that I'm just plain shallow, that nothing I say matters. (In all fairness, I kinda think the same about her.)

How did I end up where I am? How am I stuck in the midst of a world where no one save two or three care about me? Why can no one consider that I'm onto something? Why do I have to bow to everyone's wishes and do what they want me to do? Why can't I change the world? Why am I confined to the limited and lonely sphere where I am? Is it because of my age? Am I too young to be worth anything? Am I too pacifistic to get anyone's attention? Am I too quiet? Do I follow too many of the rules?