Space Pirate

I always wanted to be a pirate. You know, the kind of pirate you read aobut in books with real paper pages. The ones who pillage and plunder and say cool sayings like "Shiver me timbers" and "But why is all the rum gone?" Okay, so I always knew they could keep the rape bit; that's far from getting on my to-do list. But the real draw of being a pirate, the part that everyone fantasizes about, is the freedom. There's nothin' holding you back because the law's already against you--and you're too swift and smart to be caught.

I always wanted to be a pirate. I just never had the finesse to really pull it off.

****

"What do you mean I can't go back to my ship?" A red-headed woman in a torn, soiled, but form-fitting flight suit slammed her fists agianst the counter in the Contraband Regulation Office of the United States.

The calm, brown-haired officer behind the counter spoke slowly. "Your ship and its contents are evidence against you in your upcoming hearing. Now, you have had the right to be silent since you entered." He laughed, as though the statement held some sort of humor. "Anything you say violating your Fifth Amendment rights will be used against you. You don't need an attorney yet, but if you want one, you'll find a way. You know the rest. Please don't resist as these officers escort you to a detention facility."

"No, look, I don't have any 'contraband' on my ship! Nothing! I'll leave if you want, go out to that new Alpha Centauri settlement..."

As calm as the man behind the counter, a pair of uniformed police officers stepped forward and each took the woman by an arm. She grasped the far edge of the counter and held on so tightly that her knuckles turnedd white. "Please, if nothing else, tell me what you found that makes you so sure I need to be locked away!"

The man didn't look up this time, but he did at least respond. "Human remains."

"What!" The woman jerked in the officers' grip and anchored her elbows over the counter's edge. "What do you mean you found human remains? There's none of that on my ship! You've got the wrong captin; mine's teh one that looks like wood--the Black Nebula. You've got the wrong ship; c'mon!"

Annoyed, one of the police pried her up with his shoulder and carried her out. All the while, she pounded steadily on his back.

****

Okay, so I'm a peaceful pirate. Sort of like Robin Hood. I don't do it for the riches; I only take what I need to keep going, and the Nebula's not fancy. I meant what I said back there; there'd better not be any 'human remains' on my ship, or someone's gettin' dropped at the next port. I don't kill people, and I don't want anyone to be harmed. If I stole so much from anyone that they can't live anymore on what they've got, well, they're welcome to come with.

Besides all that, I just plain don't want no one to be rottin' away on my ship! Dead bodies clog up the life support systems, and that's not something I want to have to replace!